Harry's twisted 5 year
by BlackDove
Summary: it's a funny story about Harry's fifth year, if you have a sense of humor, please read
1. Chapter 1 Going to Hogwarts

Chapter 1

*Bring! Went Harry's alarm clock. He woke with a huge smile on his face.

"Hogwarts!" he shouted.

Today, he was being picked up by Hagrid to go to his beloved school. He already put his clothes on the night before, so all he had to do was grab his school stuff and Hedwig and run out of his house. He didn't feel like eating breakfast with the muggles, because their 'school spirit' would ruin his. Hagrid was waiting outside on his motorcycle, and Harry jumped on.

"Hey ya little squirt," Hagrid said, "ready to go to Hogwarts?"

"Am I ever!?" Harry replied. "Spending a whole summer with those stupid muggles is exhausting! I got so aggravated at one point, that I took my wand, and put Uncle Vernon on the roof! They didn't bother me after that, because they couldn't get him down, and he accidentally rolled off and broke his leg. heehee. Please don't tell Dumbledore that I used magic..."

Hagrid had already started to drive away as Harry was talking, but he slowed down, and said, "Yur secret's safe with me."

Soon after they arrived at Platform nine and three quarters and Harry and Hagrid ran through to the train station. He met Ron and Hermione inside the train.

"How was the summer Harry?" Ron asked

"Well, the usuall,"he replied.

It was a long ride to Hogwarts, and they talked about Uncle Vernon's broken leg. When Hermione found out that Harry had used magic, she scolded him and was afraid that he might be expelled. Finally, they arrived at the school. The three ran through to the hall and sat at the Gryffindor table to watch the first years get sorted. A fourth year, named Ellie, was talking to Harry. She told him that she belonged to a club, and that they wanted Harry.

"What for?" He asked.

" Well, it's a club for great wizards," she replied, "and we think that anyone who can defeat Voldomort more than once deserves to be in it."

Harry was shocked that she said Voldomort's name, but felt good that they thought that he was a great wizard.

"Of course I'll join!" Harry said without much thought.

"Good," Ellie said, "meet me in the Gryffindor room after the sorting."

Harry was very interested, so as soon as it was over, he ran to the Gryffindor room. Ellie was not there, but there was a note under a book on the table.

Harry, I sorta lied to you. Our 'club' isn't really a club. It's more of a business. You see, there are people in the world that do things that get other people upset. Those people want the other people to die. It is a privilege to be a great wizard, and we need to use our powers to kill those other people.

Please think about it Harry.

Harry was shocked, but liked the sound of it. He wanted to be a hit man.


	2. Chapter 2 Harry's wall

Chapter 2

Hermione walked in just as Harry had an evil smirk on his face. 

"What's wrong with you?" she asked, "did you find naked pictured of Cho?"

Harry grinned, but hit Hermione lightly on her arm.

"Well, I want to go study," she said.

"But school hasn't even started!" Harry replied.

Hermione ran off into the girls' dorms. Harry went up to his room with the note. All of a sudden, Ellie appeared. She sat on his bed and said, "Harry, if you would like to do this, just tell me and I can give you the magic wand. And if you don't, well, I'd just like to tell you that it pays up to 5000 galleons a kill."

"5000! Wow, that's a lot." Harry excitedly said, "And yes, I would love to do this, but I already have a wand."

Ellie snapped her fingers and a long, purple wand with blue sparkles appeared in her hand.

"This is a very special wand," she said, "It gives off a magic shock that will stop anyone's pulse."

"Wow," Harry said, "that's wicked."

Ellie handed him the wand, and left. 'Wow' Harry thought, 'Imagine me, a hit man.' He started to feel very lonely, which was a side effect from holding the very powerful wand. So he got up, and saw in front of him....a wall.

All of a sudden he felt so many different emotions raging through him. He touched the wall. It made him shudder. It was so cold, but full of life. All of a sudden he couldn't hold himself back any longer. He got close up to the wall, and kissed it! But that didn't satisfy him enough. His tongue came out of his mouth, and he started licking the wall. It gave him so much joy. It was just about to get more serious, when Ron walked in.

"What in the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron shouted.

"You're making out with a wall! That's the same wall that Neville wipes his bugors on!"

"Oh" Harry replied, "no wonder it has so much flavor."

"Have you gone bloody nuts!?" Ron said, "I think you need to visit the nurse."

"No," Harry said, " I was just kidding, wasn't it funny...heehee"

Harry knew that after Ron left he would caress the wall, so he decided that since they were that serious, the wall should have a name. 'How about Wallecca?' Harry thought. Harry ran up to the wall, and said, "Wallecca, I think that that name fits you well."

"I think I should leave you and the wall alone," Ron giggled, "Bye Harry, and...Wallecca" Ron left and went to talk to Hermione. He knew that something was wrong with Harry, and Hermione would certainly know. Sure enough, she was sitting in the room with a book.

"Hermione!" Ron screamed, "There's something wrong with Harry! I saw him making out with a wall!"

"So," said Hermione, " I thought that that's what you guys do."

"Not with a wall!" Ron screamed.

"Ok, well, I read that extreme loneliness is a condition from association with something very powerful. I'll go down to the library to do some research."

Ron looked down and said, "this is really creepy, I'll take Harry to the nurse."


	3. Chapter 3 The snuffles

Chapter 3

Hermione told Ron to hold on as she got some magical candy. She came back with a silver box. 

"Here," she said, "these are snuffles, they will put Harry to sleep so you can do a levitation spell to take him to the nurse."

"Thanks, Herm." Ron said. He ran up to the boy's dorm, and saw Harry half-naked. 

"Oh, Harry," Ron said, "these are..um..Very tasty, have some!"

"Sure," Harry replied, "I need some sugar after what I just did." He took some snuffles and put them in his mouth. In an instant he fell to the floor asleep. Ron said, "Levitosa, Levitorium." And Harry arose, not touching the ground. Ron guided Harry's floating body down to the nurse.

"Oh my, it's Ron and Harry Potter!" The nurse exclaimed.

"Miss, Harry was having 'urges' to do some naughty things with a wall in our dorm!"

"Oh my," she said, "Harry? Are you sure?" She put Harry on a bed and did some tests. She came back a little later and said, "I'm afraid he has a low sperm count!"

"What in the bloody hell was he doing?" Ron screamed. All of a sudden, Harry woke. 

"Why am I in here!?" He asked.

"Well Harry," the nurse softly said, "we have some, reports that you were doing non-virgin like acts with ...a wall!"

"No way!" Harry yelled. He had no idea what they were talking about. The loneliness sideefect didn't last very long, but it left Harry with no clue what he was doing.

"Are you sure you don't remember anything?" Ron asked.

"Do you really think that I was doing things with a wall?"

"Harry, you were," Ron said, "You even named it Wallecca."

"Weird," Harry said, "I must have been under a spell." Hermione came running in. "It wasn't a spell, more like an effect."

"So you found information?" Ron asked.

"Oh yeah, and it isn't very common that you come across one of those wands Harry." 


End file.
